Leafs Fan Blues

I have been a Leafs fan since I was eight years old. My father and I would listen to the radio on Saturday night as Foster Hewitt would say "Hello Canada and hockey fans in the United States and Newfoundland." The broadcast did not start at the beginning of the game. The game was usually into the second period when Foster came on and he would give us a summary of the game to that point.
I remember the Leafs' last Stanley Cup victory in 1967. I have suffered ever since as the management of the Leafs have been more concerned with making money than with winning another cup.
I hung in through the years of Harold Ballard idiocy, and winced as I watched Wayne Gretzky destroy our hopes of reaching the cup final.
The Draft, Schampf, philosophy of Cliff Fletcher and those who followed, destroyed our chances of another cup. When all else failed, sheer stupidity interjected itself to prevent the Leafs from rising to the top.
Through all of this adversity, I cheered for the Leafs, year after year. I never wavered in my loyalty. Since it was difficult and expensive to attend Leafs home games, I organized family outings to Leafs games in Buffalo. Of course, the Leafs always lost.
I soldiered on through year after year of missed playoffs, steadfast in my support.
So, it is strange to find that I am rooting for the Leafs to lose every game. The reason is the draft position, that is relative to the team's standing, at the end of the season. The fewer points, the better chance that we have of drafting first. Instead of chanting "go Leafs go" I am crying "slow Leafs slow." I cheer when our goalie lets one in on a shot from centre ice. I am overjoyed when our defence gets caught up ice and a three-on-none rush results.
Lately, we have been winning a few games, and I am starting to get nervous that we will amass enough points to lose the best chance at drafting number one.
However, I must be realistic. If we do finish last, we only have a 25 per cent chance of selecting first. If Leafs luck runs true to form, we will lose that spot. If we do get the number one choice, we will probably draft someone who turns out to be a loser.
To paraphrase Kermit the Frog, "It ain't easy being a Leafs fan." Sixty-five years of suffering; am I a masochist?

We Are Doomed

Once there was a family who lived in a tent. 

Suddenly, they realized that people from all over the world were taking a leak into their tent. 

The family talked to these individuals, and they agreed that a new approach was needed.

They convened a conference in Paris. There, they decided to try to limit the peeing in the tent. 

 Some decided to hold steady the amount they were passing into the tent.

Others pledged to cut their tinkles to the amount that they were excreting into the tent in 1985. 

Still, others decided to set up a cap and trade system to encourage less pee. If a person cut their whizzing, they received a credit. They were allowed to sell this credit to anyone who did not wish to reduce their peeing. The sellers made money, and the tent continued to fill. 

Still others proposed to take the urine from the tent and store it in the ground. However, there was always the danger that the urine would leak out of the ground and back into the tent. This technology was deemed too risky and expensive.

Still others said that there was no scientific evidence to support the idea that urinating harmed the tent. This belief was just a hoax perpetrated by left-wing, loser, nut-bar, tree huggers. 

Then there were those who said that the only way to solve the problem was to stop the flow of urine altogether. Immediately this proposal was attacked: It will cost a lot of money! The economy will go into the toilet! (Nice pun, eh?) If we are the only ones to do this, the rest of the world will have an economic advantage over us! 
Meanwhile, the tent continued to fill with urine. Even though some people cut down the amount they were urinating, the urine level in the tent continued to rise.
Then one day the tent burst its seams. Urine flowed out and soon the entire earth was covered in yellow liquid. The people cried out, "We are pissed off!" but it was too late. In a matter of days all the people and animals on earth were dead. 
However, some urine-loving microbes survived, and evolution once again began the long slow march to produce humans. Hopefully, the new generation will be wiser than the last, although no one was holding their breath.